It’s been very silent here: I have not been well lately (and that is a massive understatement). The failure of the medical system to support me in my case has not helped and instead pushed me further down in a time where I am trying not to carry everything by myself and to reach out instead.
Being deep in that sorry state, this morning, I needed to make the decision whether I am going to participate in a gathering of bodywork practitioners here in Basel. For those who don’t know it yet, I LOVE this work, I LOVE IT (and also that is an understatement). Yet every fiber in my body convinced me to stay in bed: there’s no energy, no nothing, how can I give when I don’t have anything to give any more, my battery is empty. All of that, appended with the usual broken records of ‘I cannot do this’, ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not worthy to be with Those’ (where Those are Giant Greek Gods draped in White Robes and accessorized in Golden attributes and me standing next to them unwashed in my raggedy baggy clothes), on and on it went. Insert Cosmic Sigh. Mentally it seemed like a block of concrete of massive proportions in front of my face.
And then out of nowhere came the magic question: The one I sometimes ask Arwen when she is in a bad place, and it has worked every.single.time:
Is this (behavior/decision) what you really want (in my case, to stay home and cancel)?
Deep in your heart (in a place beyond fear) is this what you really want?
Not surprisingly the answer was: No, I want to go but I’m scared, my TP , you see, my TP… (Tormented Past, that is). Self sabotage dismantled – check.
And then there was Beethoven’s 6th symphonie and and it felt as if a piece of me had returned Home.
I am posting this because maybe, just maybe, this question helps someone out there today too ;) and maybe this music lights up someone’s day..